These workplace superpowers might be harming your personal life

If you want to spend quality time with your loved ones, it’s important to leave work behind when you come home. But what about your professional behaviors? Are you leaving those behind, too? If not, these career strengths could have unintended repercussions on your relationships, says sociologist and sex expert Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, author of From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women.

“We don’t become completely different people at home or in the workplace,” she says. “We carry most of our personalities with us. Anything that we’re learning for personal growth can be really valuable in the workplace. The flip side, though, is that the more traditional ways of being in a workplace—aspects that have made people very successful in their careers—can be harmful if you carry them over to the home.”

Gunsaullus says there are five personality traits that help you climb the ladder at work that can have the opposite effect at home.

1. Being Too Logical

While soft skills are recognized as being increasingly important at work, there are still places where you need to lean into logic over feelings, such as in decision-making. Logic can be strategic in the workplace, but not at home. If you always stay in your head versus your heart, it can be infuriating to your partner when they’re showing vulnerability.

“It feels trivializing and undermining,” says Gunsaullus. “What we’re looking for in our most intimate relationships is to be seen and understood for the emotions that we’re feeling. To be treated as a fellow human, not like a robot.”

Staying in the logical brain often goes hand-in-hand with avoiding being vulnerable, adds Gunsaullus. It’s someone who doesn’t want to talk about their own emotions or who wants to quickly go into problem-solving mode too quickly, versus staying with the discomfort of the emotions and honoring and witnessing the person in front of them.

Overriding this trait takes kindness. Acknowledge the emotions that you’re seeing in front of you so you are on the same page and can work together on problem-solving, suggests Gunsaullus. If your partner is venting, it can help to ask, “Do you want me to just listen, or are you looking for problem-solving?”

“Once you know your role, you can be mindful in terms of what your partner needs,” she says.

2. Being Task-Focused

Having laser focus is a career strength because it can help you accomplish more tasks in a shorter amount of time. When you bring this trait home, however, you can miss bids for connection from your partner, such as helping your spouse prepare dinner or bonding with your child over a game.

Research from the Gottman Institute found that longevity of relationships correlates with connection. But if you put out bids for connection and feel like your partner isn’t reciprocating, you’ll likely stop putting bids out, says Gunsaullus.

“It’s wanting to get a hug from them, or wanting to say, ‘Hey, there’s a deer in the backyard. Come look,’” she says. “Those bids for connection are foundational to people feeling seen and known and cared for and nurtured.”

If your partner has this trait, Gunsaullus suggests asking for attention. “I’ve seen folks pause, tap their shoulder, and say, ‘Hey, can I have your attention for a second?’” she says. “The other person may say, ‘Give me 30 seconds. I’m finishing up an email here.’ Communication as a team can go a long way.”

3. Unilateral Decision-Making

If you’re used to making the decisions at work or having the power to choose the final decision, bringing this trait home opens the door to problems. That’s because this career strength can leave your partner feeling like they’re not being taken into consideration, says Gunsaullus.

“This is a valuable skill at work, and is an efficiency mode,” she says. “But it can make your spouse or partner feel undermined, unimportant, or not heard. Over time, that can breed deep resentments and cause a lot of fights.”

Gunsaullus says this issue is easily overcome with a quick check-in at night. She suggests saying, “Are there any big decisions that need to be made? Are we on the same page? What came up today? What’s going on?”

Doing these check-ins regularly can help you start thinking of your partner more when you’re making decisions, she says.

4. Being Too Goal-Oriented

Goals are essential in the workplace as they create a blueprint for achievement. Being too goal-focused, however, can hinder your personal relationships, specifically in the bedroom.

“There can be too much of a focus on one person’s version of pleasure,” says Gunsaullus. Our ever-aging bodies can change priorities and outcomes. So for longevity with emotional and physical intimacy, Gunsaullus says you have to be willing to think outside the box.

“Be flexible and realize that there’s not just one way of attaining pleasure or one way of having a good encounter,” she says. “Folks that are able to have the vulnerability and the true intimacy of being able to have detailed conversations about what they like and don’t like are going to be the most connected in the long run.”

Since most of us weren’t trained on how to have uncomfortable conversations, Gunsaullus recommends setting aside some time away from intimate moments to talk about it.

“You can say, ‘I know this may be awkward, and I’m not trying to make you feel that way. I love you, and I want to keep our connection. I want to make sure we’re both happy,’” she says. “That can be a good starting point. Or you may need some intervention with a coach, a counselor, or a therapist.”

5. Not Voicing Enough Appreciation

Successful people are often the ones who are good at solving problems. As a result, it’s common for them to focus on what’s wrong, what’s missing, and troubleshooting. When we carry that over to our home lives, however, it’s just not fun, says Gunsaullus.

“We all like to be seen and acknowledged and appreciated,” she says. “And we all would love to hear it more and to know that our contributions are appreciated.”

It’s important to pause and look at what is going well at home. Also, acknowledge and compliment the strengths of your partner. Gunsaullus recommends setting an alert on your phone that reminds you to think of something you appreciate about your partner. Then text them to let them know you’re thinking of them or mention it when you get home.

“It may feel awkward at first, but what you’re doing is retraining your brain to pay attention to different things,” she says. “After a week of doing it consistently, you’re going to start creating those neural pathways and slowly, over time, it will start to come more naturally to you.”

One of the toughest things about overcoming problematic personality traits is that we often don’t recognize them in ourselves. Gunsaullus recommends asking your partner if there are work behaviors you bring home that they find challenging.

“At the end of people’s lives, they’re not regretting that they didn’t work harder or made more money,” she says. “They regret that they didn’t have the courage to cultivate the depth of their relationships. What matters most is that people are happy and deeply connected.”