The overlooked strategy that makes leadership most rewarding

Dan and I have been friends for three decades. Since he moved to Cleveland, we made a point of phoning once a year to keep in touch.

On our most recent call, he kvelled over his son, Joseph, who built a successful business as a personal trainer. But it was the back story that really got my attention.

Joseph was a teenager when he began training at the gym. As he became more serious about working out, he approached one of the personal trainers for guidance. Joseph diligently implemented every suggestion he received, going back for clarification or advice concerning what steps to take next.

The trainer, Bernie Suddarth, began investing more and more time in Joseph, watching him lift, helping him improve his technique, explaining the development of muscles, how to balance his workouts, and how to avoid injury. More than anything else, Bernie’s influence prepared and motivated Joseph to become successful in his current vocation as a trainer himself.

After several years, the boy—now a young man—discovered that his mentor was actually a highly respected and widely sought trainer who commanded a substantial fee for his time and services. Joseph went to Bernie and said, “I don’t understand. You invested so much time helping me, and I never paid you. You could have taken on more clients in the time you spent with me. Why did you do it?”

The veteran trainer smiled as he replied. “Most of the people I work with aren’t really invested in their training. They want to get the maximum result with minimal effort. They don’t pay careful attention to my advice, they pick and choose which instructions to follow, and they never ask questions.

“You were just the opposite,” Bernie continued. “You were driven to learn all you could, to push yourself to your own personal limit, and to take full advantage of what I had to offer. How could I not invest my time in you?”

The feeling of validation and purpose that comes from giving fulfillment to others transcends every other kind of pleasure. It is described by this week’s addition to the Ethical Lexicon:

Expansive (ex·​pan·​sive/ ik-span-siv) adjective

Having a capacity or a tendency to expand.

Characterized by abundance, generosity, and eagerness to engage.

In an age increasingly characterized by a spirit of entitlement, this mindset becomes more alien to us almost daily. Employers complain about declining work ethic and commitment and employees complain about bosses who want to squeeze every drop of productivity out of them with little concern for their well-being or life beyond the job.

To the extent these complaints are true, employees and employers are equally fixated on, “What’s in it for me?” Indeed, an entire headhunting industry flourishes by luring talent away from jobs that might be gratifying and rewarding with seductive offers of bonuses, incentives, and benefits.

Commerce also seems driven less by good service and reasonable prices than by bribes and kickbacks: free points, free miles, and free gifts. Aside from cultish brands like Apple, few of us feel any great passion for the products or providers we use. It’s not about relationships, it’s about what’s in it for us.

Gen Z seems to demonstrate a resurgent desire to find meaning in their work. But that desire can only be realized with the investment of time, energy, and commitment. Whether or not young people succeed in cultivating that mindset, or whether the system crushes their expansive impulses out of them, remains to be seen.

Unfortunately, we have so few parents of baby boomers around anymore. There’s a reason they were called the “Greatest Generation.” It has more to do with core values and mindset than with fighting World War II. In my book, Proverbial Beauty, I include the following vignette:

Back in the mid-1990s, the Atlanta Constitution printed a story about a middle-aged man who had won a $4 million lottery—an exceptional amount for the time. The winner had been working a double shift as a garbage collector. When asked what he intended to do after winning so much money, the man replied, “I’m going to quit one of my shifts.” “Only one?” asked the incredulous reporter. “A man has to have work,” replied the new millionaire.

Back in the mid-1990s, the Atlanta Constitution printed a story about a middle-aged man who had won a $4 million lottery—an exceptional amount for the time. The winner had been working a double shift as a garbage collector.

When asked what he intended to do after winning so much money, the man replied, “I’m going to quit one of my shifts.”

“Only one?” asked the incredulous reporter.

“A man has to have work,” replied the new millionaire.

Like the personal trainer who found his greatest reward giving his wisdom to an eager disciple, this humble garbage collector recognized that satisfaction in life comes not from what we have, not even from what we earn, but from what we contribute. This is why employees need to look beyond the paycheck and perks. It’s also why employers need to foster a work environment that satisfies the expansive inclinations of the soul as well as the budget.

That’s what makes the magic happen.

One day, Joseph called up his mentor and said he really wanted to give him a gift to express appreciation for all he had received. What kind of gift would he like?

“You’ve already given me the greatest gift,” Bernie replied. “But if you really want to give something, keep an eye out for a protégé who desperately wants what you have to offer, take him under your wing, and pay it forward to him.”

When we look for what we can give to one another, we all come out so much farther ahead.