Why women face a ‘success paradox’ at work

From a young age, women can find themselves inundated with implicit and explicit messages about success. These messages often prescribe achieving the right type and level of accomplishment in their careers, conforming to traditional gender or cultural roles, or meeting the latest definition of impossible and unachievable beauty standards.

Women must navigate an intricate interplay of social expectations, external pressures and internal aspirations that shape their definitions and perceptions of success. They receive mixed messages that form a complex and sometimes convoluted narrative about what success should look like for women. And the patriarchy has played a significant role in shaping this narrative and the effect it has on women’s lives and careers.

The media, advertising, and pop culture (and in recent years, social media and reality television shows, such as The Kardashians) idealize images of what a ‘successful woman’ looks like and the typically impossible, unreal standards that women can never live up to. This constructed version of womanhood overemphasises physical beauty, material wealth and professional power and status. It perpetuates the notion of success as something ‘out there’, something that is both visible and measurable by others. While earlier generations of women faced their own challenges, modern women grapple with intensified external pressures, amplified by constant visibility and transparency brought about by the digital age.

Over time, these collective expectations can tangle and blur women’s own perceptions of both inner and outer success. The belief that success requires them to fit into pre-existing gendered molds is ingrained in women, limiting their ability to define success on their own terms. This pressure creates a cacophony of conflicting voices that women must deal with as they try and work out what it is that they really want.

The Success Paradox for women involves the tension between traditional markers of success, such as ambitious career goals and leadership roles, and the simultaneous quest for a deep sense of personal identity, authenticity and fulfillment. It acknowledges that, as women pursue their careers, they may grapple with questions about their true selves, values and the multifaceted dimensions of success. It shows up as questions of identity versus achievement; authenticity versus ambition; personal fulfillment versus external validation; and working out just where our wellbeing fits in amongst all of the doing it takes to succeed.

The Success Paradox is not a recent concept. It’s been deeply rooted through historical and social contexts that have shaped women’s roles and expectations. Across generations, women have been bound by gendered norms that have not only limited their career aspirations, but have created a persistent and nagging inner conflict. The inner turmoil stems from needing to reconcile ambitions with deeply ingrained gender expectations. And for many women, this journey is further complicated by the tug-of-war between cultural norms and personal desires.

Navigating the complexities of knowing what they truly want for themselves and defining success in a world that persistently tells women who they should be is a fraught journey. Even as women rise to positions of power and influence, the questions of “Who am I, really?” and “What’s the purpose of it all?” linger in the air.

It’s a path filled with contradictions, external pressures and internal struggles, where women constantly grapple with the challenging task of being true to themselves, while at every turn they are being told who they should become and how they should behave. It’s much harder than most people think, certainly harder than women make it seem as they are so used to wearing an ‘I’m fine’ mask.

The process of redefining success can liberate women from the constraints society has imposed on them as they pursue their own goals and dreams. But it can also lead to self-doubt, societal backlash and the undervaluing of their accomplishments. When women start to define success outside traditional metrics—like valuing work-life balance, prioritizing their personal wellbeing or making a social impact—they can face judgement or devaluation of their achievements. This resistance is often rooted in society’s difficulty in accepting any non-traditional success measures, particularly when they are displayed by women.

Internally, women can experience tension between the societal expectations of success and their own personal definitions, particularly when they are in the early stages of gaining clarity on what they are. They might question the legitimacy of their evolving desires, and struggle to self-validate, particularly if their personal definitions diverge significantly from what society’s norms are.

Defining authentic success

Without enormous internal effort, the external noise and social pressure can make it almost impossible for women to discern their own desires and aspirations. Are they striving for goals because it’s what they truly want? Does their path to success align with their inner values and purpose? Or are they pursuing a path lined with ‘shoulds’ and goals that they have been conditioned to want—by their family, their culture, the patriarchy in general?

So often women are driving and striving in their professional lives when they don’t even know what it’s all for. They are so busy climbing the corporate ladder that they don’t even know if it’s leaning against the right wall. What is it all for? What’s the end game? What am I working so damn hard for?

The inner conflict is very real, but so often women can’t articulate that. They aren’t typically sitting around asking the big questions like, “Am I being true to my authentic self?” Instead, they are grappling with a sense of discontent, restlessness, and internal angst for why they feel disenfranchised at work and burdened at home, even if they won’t admit it to themselves.

I find that when women start asking questions about what they truly want, who they are now versus younger versions of themselves, and what success might look like if they were to be really honest about defining it for themselves, they get a little edgy. Emotions that they may not have felt for years rise to the surface, and it gets very uncomfortable. I know this to be true because over the past three years I have seen thousands of women come to live group coaching calls as part of the programs I teach and share with great vulnerability their very real discomfort when looking at these questions about their lives, their careers, who they are at their core and what they really want.

Here’s the hard truth: Success for women rarely looks or feels like what we think it will. And a big part of that is because of the patriarchal conditioning that has sold us a bill of goods that we never wanted, that didn’t fit who we are or wanted to become, or meant that we would have to fundamentally change who we are to fit that model of success.

As more and more women are waking up to the social constructs that have engineered their lives, they are saying, “No, thank you. You can put that back in the box that it came in.”

Women need to define success for themselves—for who they are today and their visions of where they want to be. For some, authentic success may involve achieving the highest levels of leadership in their company and striving for meaningful external validation. For others, it could be finding that elusive balance between a purposeful career and a fulfilling personal life. For others, it could be contributing to causes that matter, or having a rich and vibrant creative life, or prioritising motherhood, or their relationships. Success might mean self-acceptance and following a path of inner contentment.

A woman’s journey is her own to explore, success is her own to define, and her life is to be lived on her own terms—even if that is an ever-challenging reality to pursue.

Resisting the external narrative

The Success Paradox can weigh heavily on women. It can give rise to imposter syndrome, where women doubt their abilities and feel like they don’t deserve their achievements. It can lead to burnout as they strive to meet external demands and expectations while sacrificing their wellbeing. It can breed dissatisfaction as women grapple with the relentless pressure to conform to externally prescribed definitions of success.

Part of the Success Paradox for women is to understand the true cost of living a life that is not of her own making, and driving for a version of success that she has not crafted for herself. It’s about forging a path where achievements are aligned with authenticity, and success is redefined on her own terms. It’s an invitation to reshape the gendered narrative of women’s success, to liberate it from the constraints of conformity and external validation.

It’s learning to resist the external narrative and listen to her own inner voice. This is harder that it sounds; in fact, for most women, it can feel excruciating. It involves questioning societal norms and rejecting the notion that success must conform to predefined templates.

The journey to defining authentic success is not linear. In a world that constantly tells women who to be, reclaiming the power to define success for herself is an act of radical empowerment. And it’s one that transcends societal and patriarchal constraints when each woman owns their own path.

Women Rising is published by Wiley and is available now in bookstores and online. Excerpted with permission.