Why there’s no shame in feeling ashamed at work, according to science

Human emotions come in many shapes and forms. Some, like sadness and happiness, are rather easy to explain. Others, like guilt, pride, and shame, are a great deal more complex. They have in common that they are self-conscious, in that they emerge after we evaluate our own actions and make a moral assessment of our own behaviors.

Among self-conscious emotions, shame is arguably the most interesting one, as there is a big gap between its mainstream negative connotation, and its positive role in regulating prosocial behavior, especially in professional settings.

If you like, you can think of shame as an internal moral signal that punishes by making you feel bad for doing what you know is wrong or shouldn’t have done. And in that process, it mitigates the reoccurrence of bad behaviors to preserve your reputation and status with others, particularly those who matter to us. This role of shame was already highlighted by Aristotle, who noted that “since shame is a mental picture of disgrace, in which we shrink from the disgrace itself and not from its consequences, it follows that the people before whom we feel shame are those whose opinion of us matters to us.”

In the past five decades, psychological research has provided a great deal of scientific evidence on the upside of shame at work, including its integral role for lubricating interpersonal ties and helping us get along with colleagues, clients, and bosses. Although some philosophers, like Nietzsche, argued that we can only be free if we learn to overcome guilt and shame, which force us to comply to others as opposed to express our own self, no workplace or society can function unless people are capable of making personal sacrifices in the service of others. Likewise, the modern authenticity movement tends to encourage people to stop worrying about what others think of them, which would certainly alleviate them from any guilt or shame. But, like in Nietzsche’s case, the result would be a bunch of psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths who are disinterested in respecting others, let alone getting along with them.

In contrast, consider the evidence for the positive effects of shame at work and beyond.

Better performance

Negative feedback by managers may boost employees’ work performance by eliciting shame. This may be surprising, given that modern corporate cultures often gravitate towards extreme positivity, even eliminating negative performance reviews and feedback.

However, telling employees what they are doing wrong is a prerequisite for improvement. Unsurprisingly, many high-achieving societies (e.g., Singapore, South Korea, France, and especially Japan) leverage the power of constructive criticism, including harsh feedback and shame, in educational and occupational settings to encourage high standards and nurture accomplishment and skills development in others.

As the Japanese musical genius, Ryuchi Sakamoto noted: “My goal is to create music that I’m not ashamed of.” The typical level of shame people experience in an organization or society is directly proportionate to the standards in that group or system. Being ashamed of disappointing others and failing will motivate you to work harder, even if it means overpreparing. A moderate level of imposter syndrome can also lead to outstanding accomplishments in your career.

Better relationships with colleagues

Shame improves your relationships with your coworkers, thereby upgrading your reputation. Historically, shame was generally interpreted as a negative feeling with a negative interpersonal impact, including withdrawal behaviors.

However, no emotion (no matter how unpleasant) could have evolved and acquired a universal status without having an adaptive function. As evolutionary psychologists have shown, shame serves as a defense mechanism against actions that could lead to social devaluation. In ancestral environments, being devalued by one’s peers could result in ostracism, which was detrimental to survival. Individuals who felt shame were less likely to engage in behaviors that would harm their reputation or relationships within their group.

Modern research directly contradicts this view, highlighting the power of shame as a moral emotion that motivates prosocial behavior. Shame is usually an attempt to restore a damaged self when we perceive a big gap between our actual actions and our ideal or moral self.

The result of this interpretation which is unpleasant to feel and experience is to display restorative behaviors to fix our damaged self, and withdrawal behavior when there is just too much of a risk or cost in engaging in interactions. So, for instance, if your boss realizes that you are doing something you shouldn’t or one of your coworkers gets blamed for something you did, you will hopefully feel some shame, as this will motivate you to either apologize or make up for your actions.

Contrast this with someone shamelessly going through life without caring about how their actions damage or hurt others. Like with imposter syndrome (better feeling like an imposter than actually being one) it is better to feel ashamed when others don’t think you should than not feel shame when others think you should.

A little shame goes a long way

Like anything, shame is best in moderation, so just like its absence is detrimental, is its presence in excess. Unsurprisingly, shame-prone organizations, in which shame is overused as a punitive measure to limit freedom, experimentation, and creativity, are nasty places to work in. As Harvard’s Amy Edmondson notes in her extensive work on psychological safety, too much shame inhibits people’s ability to innovate, make smart mistakes, and learn from errors, all of which are the cornerstone of successful teams and organizations.

But, make no mistake: to create safety and harness people’s appetite for risk and experimentation, you need to first foster a climate of civility, respect, and self-control, all of which require people’s ability to self-censor and condemn their bad behaviors, to the point that they can prevent them. Your freedom to be yourself must end when your obligation to others begins. This is a delicate balancing act requiring not just self-regulation, but also good leadership.

Shame influences individuals to consider the personal benefits of their actions and their potential social repercussions. It acts as a warning signal, guiding individuals toward choices that align with group norms and expectations, thereby promoting behaviors that benefit the collective. This is why groups in which individuals can leverage the prosocial value of shame will outperform those that are replete or infested with shameless individuals. It’s the same whether they are sports teams, organizations, or societies. As Daniel Sznycer at Montreal University puts it: “Shame’s reputation isn’t pretty, but a closer look indicates that this emotion is elegantly engineered to deter harmful choices and make the best of a bad situation.”