To be a good leader, you must do more than lead teams. You need to cultivate self-awareness, conversations, and relationships.
It’s not enough to practice leadership in the office. Today, the skills we need at work—humility, listening, and emotional intelligence—are just as necessary at home, in friendships, and community life.
Unfortunately, many leaders feel less confident when tough conversations or messy emotions arise outside formal settings. Without titles, power, and staff to rely on, you strip leadership down to its rawest form: connection with others.
Here are six leadership lessons that apply whether you’re managing a project, having a hard conversation with your teenager, or navigating a disagreement with a neighbor, a practice that I personally recently failed at.
1. Be aware of stories that influence your reactions
What’s shaping your reactions? We might not realize it, but every interaction is influenced by the private stories we tell ourselves.
Recently, during a tough conversation with a neighbor, I got triggered. My story made perfect sense to me; their story was a strong “no” to any compromise. That didn’t fit our friendship, and I didn’t handle it well.
Later, I used a tool I call CADS—Concerns, Authority issues, Desires, and Standards—to explore my reaction. My trigger came from an unmet standard: my belief about what “good neighbors” should do. I wanted a mutually acceptable solution, but they did not want to discuss options.
Accepting that I couldn’t control their position helped me move forward with less judgment. I could wake up from my patterned reaction, accept their choice, and ground myself in what I could (and couldn’t) control.
To watch your stories, ask yourself: What is my desire? What are my concerns? Are there power dynamics at play? What standards are driving my judgments? This enables you to deconstruct your opinions and examine the underlying feelings that are shaping your reactions.
2. Adopt a more humble attitude
Are you willing to be wrong? Many of us probably received the message to be the strongest voice in the room. Real leadership, however, begins with humility. Leaders must be willing to be wrong, to listen, and to learn.
One senior executive (let’s call him Josh) was passionate and intelligent, but when he met with his team, there was little interaction. He’d kick off meetings with strategy ideas and challenges, then ask for input. He heard crickets. With coaching, Josh realized his passion and unintentionally sent the following message: “I have the answers.”
He committed to changing his style. Instead of presenting solutions, he reframed his meetings: “We’re here to explore tough issues and possible solutions. My perspective is one of many. I might be wrong about this. Who sees it differently?” That shift transformed the meetings. More ideas surfaced, and better ideas emerged
3. Truly collaborate
Are you balancing advocacy and inquiry? Collaboration and psychological safety aren’t just about agreement and niceties. True collaboration requires balancing productive advocacy with sincere inquiry.
I once worked with finance and legal teams who found themselves trapped in politics and blame. During an off-site retreat, they played together, ate together, and explored the stories that the other group carried. Slowly, they began questioning assumptions and listening to each other. As camaraderie grew, they began to trust each other and created agreements for how to move forward together.
Whether you’re leading a project, planning a family trip, or navigating a community issue, collaboration demands humility, self-awareness, and openness to other perspectives.
To truly collaborate, it’s important to present your view as one possibility among many. Share the thinking behind your position. Inquire sincerely into others’ perspectives. What are their desires, concerns, or standards? Examine your assumptions and dispel mistaken beliefs.
4. Think beyond the script
Many leaders subconsciously self-censor. We stick to safe scripts, relying on old conversational patterns. But creativity often begins when we allow ourselves to explore what’s unfamiliar.
Recently, a client felt stuck in a job she didn’t enjoy. She didn’t respect her boss and felt dismissed. When I asked her to shift focus to what might be possible, she began to move away from fixating on what was wrong with her job and allowed herself to imagine alternatives. Once she opened that door, she made thoughtful choices about her future.
To think beyond the script, give yourself permission to explore possibilities. It’s a freeing practice. Imagination can spark breakthroughs and deepen relationships at home and at work.
5. Explore alternatives
Are you skipping over discussions? In high-stress situations, it’s easy to rush to decisions. I call this the “conversational bypass.” We present our position, skip dialogue, and move straight to action. But rushing to action stifles creativity.
In architecture school, one of my first assignments was to design a toy. I poured myself into a single idea. When I presented it, my professor raised an eyebrow and said: “One idea? Come back tomorrow with five more.”
I was stunned. But the lesson stuck: Don’t fall in love with your first idea. Don’t move to action without exploring options. That mindset changed how I approached design and leadership.
To ensure that you explore alternatives, don’t settle for your first idea. Ask yourself and others, “What else might be possible?”
6. Only make promises you can keep
Are you slowing down enough to commit wisely? In a fast world, it’s easy to say yes. But it’s also risky.
I once promised my son that I’d help him with a project “later.” But then I forgot. That small broken promise hurt more than I expected. It reminded me that sloppy promises, at work or at home, erode trust faster than mistakes.
When someone makes a request, a rushed “yes” might feel efficient in the moment. But when we say yes just to please someone, we bypass a crucial step: understanding.
Before responding with “Sure, no problem,” take the time to really understand the request. Ask a few clarifying questions—not to challenge the person making the request, but to understand their needs and expectations:
- “What’s the intent or goal?”
- “What concerns are you addressing?”
- “Who is this really for?”
- “What does success look like?”
Asked with sincerity, these quick, thoughtful questions can prevent misunderstandings and build trust. Slowing down creates clarity and confidence. A fulfilled promise is the foundation of trust.
To make sure you keep your promises, before saying “yes,” pause and ask: “Do I truly have the capacity to deliver on this?” Ask clarifying questions to set the right expectations. And whatever you do, make sure that you can keep the promises you make.
Lead where you are
Leadership isn’t a role you turn on at work and off at home. It’s a daily practice—a way of showing up with humility, curiosity, and care, wherever you are.
You don’t need a title or permission. What you need is the willingness to pause, reflect, and lead, moment by moment.
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