Relax, you haven’t been fired. How to get better at accepting negative feedback

Criticism is never fun to get, because it reflects something that you could have done better. Even the people who are best able to take criticism constructively will feel a little pang when they are faced with an initial complaint about something they have done. But, some people find criticism particularly difficult to take and can obsess over any evidence that they have done something wrong.

If you want to be more successful at receiving criticism and avoiding a spiral of negative emotions, you have to start by understanding what it is that sets you off about being criticized.

Before we dig into a few common reasons for bad reactions to negative feedback, it is important to recognize that almost everyone can be angry, sad, embarrassed, ashamed, or frustrated when they first hear something bad about their performance. It’s natural to want to show up well to your colleagues and bosses, and so criticism can sting.

If you receive criticism from someone in person, do your best to smile and thank them for it, no matter how you’re feeling in the moment. If you get it in writing, then send a follow-up to express appreciation. The idea there is that someone took the time to comment on your performance (whether they phrased it nicely or not), and you should acknowledge that effort.

Then, ignore it overnight. It can be difficult to react objectively to negative comments when you first receive them. Happily, one of the functions of sleep is to decrease the strength of the emotional response to an event from the information carried by that event. By the next day, it should be a little easier to think about the comments rather than just reacting to them.

Other strategies for handling criticism depend on what other factors are influencing your reaction.

Mindset (perhaps due to lack of practice)

Lots of articles have talked about the difference between fixed and growth mindsets. Individuals with a fixed mindset believe that their performance is due to their inherent talent, while those with a growth mindset believe that their performance reflects their current abilities, which can improve with practice.

Individuals with a fixed mindset are more likely to spiral than those with a growth mindset, because they see criticism as a sign that they have reached the limits of their potential, while those with a growth mindset see criticism as a marker of where they need to improve.

Even people who are aware that a growth mindset will help them to take criticism may still fall apart when criticized, because acting on a growth mindset requires practice. In the modern world—and particularly in the education system—we are reluctant to criticize people too harshly. In addition, people who are good at school may find that they are not criticized too often before they get to the workplace. If you have not practiced dealing with criticism, you may still see that negative feedback as an attack on your potential.

You need to take stock of your reaction to criticism and remind yourself that a critique is an invitation to improve. If you’re not sure what to do to make your performance better in the future, then all you need to do is ask. Most supervisors would like you to succeed and will point you in the direction of resources to learn.

Imposter syndrome

One factor that can limit your willingness to engage with supervisors when you receive negative feedback is imposter syndrome, which is the belief that you do not belong in the role you have been hired into. The danger with imposter syndrome is that you live in fear that you will be unmasked as unfit for your role. Criticism serves as proof that you were right to be concerned that you have not earned your position. Worse yet, you are reluctant to ask supervisors for help when you have imposter syndrome, because you don’t want to confirm to them what you fear they already know.

In fact, nobody thinks you are perfectly qualified for every aspect of your job. A good supervisor wants to know the areas where you need improvement so that they can suggest ways to learn and so that they can be sure to be attentive to those aspects of your job that you are least confident about. Over time, when you admit when you need improvement, you will find that your boss trusts you more, rather than less.

Lack of clarity about your performance

Most organizations have a yearly evaluation process in which you receive some feedback about how things are going and whether you are on track for a raise or promotion. A good supervisor will give you additional feedback about how things are going along the way. But, people get busy, and they may not always be attentive to anxiety you may have about your work performance. As a result, you may find that you don’t really know where you stand.

In those cases, when you get criticized at work, you may take that as the sign that you are soon to be out of work. When there have been layoffs at your company or in your sector, these concerns may be magnified.

Worrying about whether the criticism is a harbinger of bad news about your job will not help matters any. After all, the best way to keep your job is to continue to improve your performance. That means that the ideal response to criticism is to find ways to improve.

Of course, if you find yourself paralyzed by worry that you are soon to be shown the exit, you should have a heart-to-heart with your supervisor. It’s important that you get to know both your strengths and weaknesses as an employee so that you can build your confidence and focus on your work rather than on the stability of your role.

Another reason why you should talk to your supervisor is that they may not realize that they are not providing you with the range of feedback you need. This conversation can reassure you in the moment, but it can also help your supervisor to be more forthcoming with performance feedback in the future.