My friends hung out without me and posted Stories about on it on Instagram. How can I manage the FOMO?

There are certain social media rules we can all agree on: Ghosting a conversation is impolite, and replying “k” to a text is the equivalent of a backhand slap (violent, wrong, and rude). But what about the rest of the rules? When can we really remind someone of our old Venmo request? What happens when someone tries to flirt with you on LinkedIn?

Fortunately, terminally online writers Delia Cai and Steffi Cao are here to answer all your digital quandaries, big or small. Welcome to Fast Company’s new advice column, Posting Playbook. This week, Delia and Steffi address a few questions that all fall under the same theme: the unique situation social media puts you in when you’re seeing something you’re maybe not supposed to see.

I just learned I wasn’t invited on a friend trip because I opened up my phone and saw their posts all over Instagram Stories. What should I do?

Steffi: I think the trip part of this is what’s really getting me, because with this one photo, a lot of omissions have come up, right? They’re in a group chat without you.

Delia: Especially if they never mentioned it.

Steffi: Yeah! They’ve planned together. They’ve been talking a lot, and maybe this is me projecting, but more likely than not, there has been some question of “should we invite this person” and then your name came up?

Delia: You would hope your name came up, but maybe it didn’t.

Steffi: I don’t know which case is worse.

Delia: Having been in this situation, I literally waited until they were done with the trip, and then I called up the person I was the closest to, and I just said, “Hey, I just want to let you know, if you guys are doing a trip like this in the future, I would really love to come along.” I think that’s sort of productive, because it was, like, “well, this trip is already over, it’s done, there’s nothing to be said.”

I think there’s something to be said, too, about giving them the benefit of the doubt. That means saying, “I know in the past, I’ve complained about not liking camping, but in the future, if you guys are doing something like this, you know, it looks so fun on Instagram, and would love to be invited in the future.” If you are close enough to at least one member of the group to talk to, because I think in that particular situation, they had assumed, ”Delia doesn’t like camping, so why would we even waste your time on this?”

Steffi: A secret third thing. And I was over here projecting. Yeah, definitely mute the stories and the feeds for at least a period of time. You’re right. You should assume the best of people and don’t listen to me.

Delia: At least for the social media aspect of it, did you actually want to go, or did you want to hang out with your friends, or do you want a cool post? What is it that you actually wanted, and why do you feel left out?

Steffi: Yeah, if you just wanted a cool post or to be invited, just go somewhere and post something cool. Go to a party, put on a pair of fake eyelashes, go to the club and take a cool photo. Photos and coolness on social media are ephemeral.

Delia: Also, there’s something about the way that a trip looks on social media versus what it feels like when you’re literally juggling five different people and a Greek ferry schedule. So a great answer to it that I also highly recommend is, you should text the friend that you’re closest to on the trip and just be like, “tell me what the drama is,” or “tell me the worst part of it.”

Steffi: Or even if they weren’t fighting, there were absolutely stretches of time where it was just like, they were just sitting quietly and, like, not having a ball. They were all stimming on their phones because we’re all iPad babies. At the very least, a large part of it was just logistical shit.

Delia: On the reverse, if you are in the friend group, and it’s very obvious that someone has been left out on a trip, do not post the trip.

Steffi: That’s a good one.

Delia: Don’t even “Close Friends” it, because it will get out to this person, and then it will be way worse.

Steffi: And if you are fiending to post something after that trip, sit with yourself and think about that.

Delia: Yeah, to post over a friend’s feelings—

Steffi: —that’s when you really need to decide what you’re on Instagram for.

If someone is in town, do you have to meet up with them? And if you are traveling to a place where other acquaintances live, do you have to tell people that you’re visiting?

Delia: This is also a pretty relatable question, and likely, you’ve been on both sides, whether you’re the one in town, and you’re kind of like, “if I make it obvious I’m in town, then I have to juggle all the social obligations that come with that,” or the opposite, where you see your friend who is in town, and you’re kind of like, “Wait, why wouldn’t you tell me?”

Steffi: Say you’re visiting for 72 hours, and most of those will be spent with your family, here’s my thought: It’s never a wonderfully nice thing to hear etiquette-wise that you don’t want to hang out with people, so to make life easier, you have to just lie a little bit. One, never post in the location where you are at that moment. That is like social media safety 101. What you do is wait until after you’ve left the location, do a quick little Instagram story dump, and then when you eventually get the reply that’s like, “Hey, didn’t realize you were in town,” just lie and be like, “I had barely any time. I was there for work, I was there visiting family, I had zero time.” Maybe that’s true, maybe that’s false. It doesn’t matter. That’s what you say, and you keep it pushing.

Delia: You can kind of stretch the sense of time, too. You can almost take advantage of the asynchronous qualities of posting: No one knows when you took this photo. You’re really not supposed to post or tweet that you’re currently at the Whole Foods in Union Square when you’re literally still there.

Steffi: Yeah, stop doing that.

Delia: This kind of ties a little bit to the first question, where it’s just sort of like, don’t take it so personally when someone’s post is not about you?

Steffi: I mean, there is a level of empathy here, because we’ve all felt it. This is a very human problem that is simply digested through social media. I would imagine, before social media was around, it probably sucked to hear through the grapevine that everyone went to the malt shop without you, but it feels so exacerbated now, because it’s in real time.

Delia: Everyone is just so connected. It should be so easy to be like “Hey, I’m in town,” but it’s so overwhelming.

Steffi: Social media leaves out a lot of nuance.

Delia: It definitely doesn’t inspire giving people the benefit of the doubt. Instead we wonder “Am I personally being excluded?”

Steffi: Social media is content, right? Content can be fun, but at the end of the day, life is not for content.

Delia: It’s fan fiction of your life. Taking other people’s fanfic as the real thing is where many of us go astray.

Steffi: That’s so beautiful. And if you are the one in town and you don’t want to meet up with anyone, stop posting every coffee shop you go to. If you’re traveling with someone and they’re blowing up your spot, y’all gotta coordinate that before you go. Your fiancé accidentally let slip by posting on her Instagram and now another couple friend wants to meet up—that’s a skill issue. You should’ve agreed to the rules before you got on the plane.