Mistakes happen. This is how to reframe getting called out for them

How do we acquire wisdom? We start by acquiring knowledge. But we can’t stop there, any more than we can build a Maserati by simply extracting iron ore from the earth. We acquire wisdom through the refinement of knowledge, but also the refinement of ourselves.

That’s the message outlined in the classic philosophical treatise Ethics of Fathers. In one foundational teaching, the sages of ancient Judea exhort us to develop 48 distinct attitudes and practices in our pursuit of higher wisdom. The list includes the following:

Love people, love charity, love uprightness, and love rebuke.

The first three are self-evident. We can all appreciate the virtue of loving our fellow human beings, of cultivating compassion for those in need, and for aspiring to act honestly and justly in every aspect of our personal conduct.

But how many of us love rebuke? Do we honestly look forward to criticism, even when we ask for it? Are we not inclined to lash back defensively when anyone, no matter how well-intentioned, presumes to find fault with us?

Intellectually, we know that we need correction if we want to improve. The music teacher shows us how to finger the keys or draw the bow across the strings. The fitness trainer warns us against overstraining our muscles when we work out. The tennis coach guides us to perfect our backswing.

Why is it so difficult for us to accept even gentle guidance to improve our learning style, business performance, or personal character?

Perhaps the problem is with the language we use. Rebuke seems to focus on what we have done wrong. What we need is a better way to communicate the message of how we can do better looking ahead.

Fortunately, there is a useful synonym for rebuke, and it is our current entry into the Ethical Lexicon:

Reprove (re·prove/ ri-proov) verb

To express disapproval or censure in response to improper behavior.

At first glance, this doesn’t seem to solve our problem, since dictionary definitions of reprove and rebuke are virtually identical. If so, what’s the difference between them?

Consider the respective etymologies. Rebuke comes from the old French for beat or cut down, implying shame, defeat, and disgrace. In contrast, reprove suggests a second chance to prove our quality or ability. Indeed, the Hebrew for reprove shares the root meaning of validate – to reassure, make good, and rise above.

Often, the ease with which we receive reproof has more to do with how it is given. When the intent is clearly for our benefit when the one giving reproof offers it in a way that projects genuine concern for our welfare and desire to guide us toward self-improvement, we’re much more likely to not only accept criticism but even appreciate it.

Of course, we aren’t in control of how others choose to communicate their suggestions to us. But we can be more thoughtful about how we convey uncomfortable information to others.

First, choose the right time and place: Criticism should always be given in private, and at a moment when the receiver is not pressed for time, harried, or distracted. It is best eased into by asking permission: “Would it be okay if I discussed a matter that needs attention?”

Second, give the receiver an opportunity for self-reflection: Even a simple “why” question might be interpreted as an attack: “Why did you do that?” can imply blame, no matter how gently it is asked. Instead, you might try: “I noticed that you did such-and-such. Could you help me understand your intention?”

Third, focus on the future rather than the past: “If next time you handled the situation this way, do you think that might produce a better outcome?”

Either implicitly or explicitly, we need to make every effort to communicate confidence in both attitude and aptitude as well as appreciation for commitment to the job. Others will naturally respond to positive expectations; conveying a sense of shared higher purpose provides a worthy goal that is encouraging and aspirational.

We can use the same techniques in our self-talk. Beating ourselves up over mistakes might be better than making excuses for ourselves. But better still is talking ourselves up by committing to do better next time and contemplating just how to make that happen.

By reproving ourselves and others the right way, we contribute to a culture in which every misstep sets the stage for us to prove that we can recover from failure and move steadily forward on the road to success.