Leaders, here’s why you must take responsibility for developing self-confidence

Leaders don’t always have the answers, and the best of them know that and will often be the first to remind you of this. Consider a situation in which a leader opens up a discussion about a topic important to an upcoming meeting and invites discussion and disagreement with her proposed course of action. She weighs alternatives and takes into account a variety of opinions.

Contrast that case with a leader who gets defensive at the first sign of disagreement. This leader defends the choices she has made, shuts down offers of alternative perspectives, and ultimately fails to learn much from a group discussion.

This first leader feels like she is handling the situation better than the second, and is clearly displaying more confidence in her ability—despite showing vulnerability that she may be wrong on some counts.

In order to have the confidence to display this vulnerability in a group setting, you must believe that you belong in the discussion and in your role. This belief then allows you to treat discussions as being about the topic at hand, rather than thinking of them as a referendum on your knowledge and skills. As a result, finding out that someone disagrees with your proposed course of action signals that you may need to change your thinking about the issue, but says nothing about your fitness to lead.

When you have doubts that you should be in your role, then you start looking to others for evidence that you deserve to lead. Disagreement and suggestions that you consider an alternate approach are now taken as threats to your position, rather than differing perspectives on the current topic. You defend yourself vigorously, because you feel like you are fighting for your role as a leader.

At the root of the problem here is that if you get defensive when you have a lack of knowledge or have a disagreement about approach, you’re outsourcing your confidence to someone else. You’re allowing someone else’s approval or disapproval—their agreement or disagreement—to determine whether you think that you should have your role as a leader.

In the end, leadership is not about your position in an org chart. It relies on you own belief in the contributions you can make to an organization. You’re leading whenever you engage in constructive discussions that promote disagreement and challenge in order to reach a positive outcome. Only you should decide whether you belong in the room.