Is ghosting someone online ever OK?

There are certain social media rules we can all agree on: Ghosting a conversation is impolite, and replying “k” to a text is the equivalent of a backhand slap (violent, wrong, and rude). But what about the rest of the rules? When can we really remind someone of our old Venmo request? What happens when someone tries to flirt with you on LinkedIn?

Fortunately, terminally online writers Delia Cai and Steffi Cao are here to answer all your digital quandaries, big or small. Welcome to Fast Company’s advice column, Posting Playbook. This week, Delia and Steffi will both tackle the eternal question of ghosting—and when, if ever, it’s actually acceptable to do so.

I know you’re not supposed to ghost someone you’re dating, but what about a friend you’ve lost touch with who keeps texting you about hanging out? Do you really have to always reply? What about if someone whom you met at a party six months ago keeps replying to your Instagram Stories. Surely, you can just ignore that right?

Delia: Last week, I gave some advice on the topic—or rather, the unhealthy expectation—that everyone should be available to everyone at all times. In the same vein, I also don’t believe that everyone owes everyone a response. In that sense, ghosting/ignoring someone is not only fine; it is also your right.

Really, the matter of ghosting, both in romantic settings and otherwise, eats away at us for a reason: it’s really a question of what any of us owe the people in our lives, and our ability to define and agree on the finer gradations especially of relationships that feel more ambiguous than “boyfriend” or “best friend.” Herein is why miscommunications and mismatching expectations abound. I could talk forever about how the label “friend” has become a catchall term for everyone else, which makes it all the more misleading: of course you owe a childhood buddy a little more consideration than a random girl who exchanged IGs with you at the bar. How much more comes down to the subtleties and expectations specific to this relationship that only you can parse.

Obviously, there’s no universally agreed-upon dividing line between the categories of ghostable and non-ghostable relations. But my personal rule of thumb, for both romantic and platonic relations, comes down to a question of “Have I intentionally spent time with this person more than once in the past year?” If I have—i.e., we’ve gone on a second date, or we’ve made a point to hang out at parties, or we caught up at the college reunion and a wedding in the last 12 months—then you’re more than just an acquaintance, which means you deserve a response in at least some shape or form. Steffi, what do you think?

Steffi: I think I lean on the opposite side of the same opinion. I agree with you, but generally, I hate ghosting. It’s lame! What, you can’t tell someone, “hey, I don’t really want to hang out because I have to focus on my own train wreck of a life right now”? It’s so true that you do not owe everyone your time, but there’s also such beauty in learning to set and vocalize your own boundaries in a loving and firm way.

But just like the finer hues of our interpersonal relationships, there are nuances to ghosting. And mostly, I don’t think every context here qualifies as ghostable. If a friend of a friend of a friend is in my DMs, hitting that story reply button with “omg!” over and over, I don’t think of that as a chatty opener—that’s just engagement. If some apps, like Instagram and Twitter, are primed for nothing more than content, then the bar for ghosting is much higher, because it’s not always a conversation. They probably like to have a glass of red wine on Thursday night and be an active participant on Mark Zuckerberg’s Instagram. What’s wrong with that? You don’t need to respond. And frankly, it’s probably better if you don’t.

Delia is right on the stress of it, though. It feels incredibly weird to ghost. Aside from the guilt of general virtue ethics that come with seemingly dropping off the face of the planet because a mutual friend asked you for coffee, many of us simply struggle with balancing when and how to vocalize the tensions in our head, and if it needs to be done at all.

That being said, sometimes it’s just needed, whether it’s the season or headspace or emotional journey you’re in. I very much agree with your rule of thumb, Delia, and think it should be written into the Constitution. My additional guideline is this: you’re one pixel on their Internet. You think your college classmate is going to be sobbing into their laptop because you didn’t want to get martinis with them? You’re one pixel on their Internet. You think your peripheral coworker from three jobs ago is going to have a mental breakdown because you never responded to their Instagram fire emoji react? You are one tiny pixel on their Internet. It sounds harsh, but let that knowledge free you. Learn when you’re ghosting because you think it’s the best thing, versus when you’re ghosting because you don’t know how to vocalize what you actually want to say.

For me, ghosting is painful to receive, and painful to do. My general takeaway, then, is why bother with it? I’d much rather someone know where I was at. My joints are well-oiled enough to stand on business. But I’m also the type of person who would rather be seen as a bitch than not seen at all. I respect a ghoster to an extent. But that could never be me!