How to stop people-pleasing and start setting boundaries at work

Do you like to make others happy? Probably. Extending care and kindness feels good. Too much of a good thing, though, can cross a line. Kindness can become people-pleasing when you develop a habit of prioritizing the needs of others over your own, say Jan Yuhas and Jillian Yuhas, relationship consultants and coauthors of Boundary Badass: A Powerful Method for Elevating Your Value and Relationships.

“Initially, these habits may help you appear like a reliable team player, but over time, they ultimately hurt your productivity and career aspirations,” says Jan Yuhas. “People pleasers endure this strain quietly, feeling overwhelmed while striving to uphold the image of the ‘go-to’ colleague.”

Being a people pleaser at work shows up through self-suppression, says Jillian Yuhas. “They might say ‘yes’ to everyone, taking on way too many tasks,” she says, which might make them overwhelmed. “They might be afraid to ask for a raise or for a bonus, because they’re afraid if they speak up, they might be replaced or lose their job.”

Another way people-pleasing turns toxic is when the person allows others to take credit for their work, because they don’t want to rock the boat, adds Jan Yuhas. “They’re always following the rules, doing what they’re supposed to do,” she says. “But this leads to a lot of burnout, exhaustion, and unfulfillment in their career, because they’re not really advocating for themselves.”

Are you a people pleaser?

People pleasers often pride themselves on having a strong work ethic. However, the Yuhases say there are signs that the trait has crossed the line. For example, a people pleaser might constantly finish colleagues’ parts of a project, and a people-pleasing leader might jump in and do the work of their teams. They often work outside of normal business hours because they prioritize someone else’s schedule or agenda over their own. In addition, people pleasers often don’t feel respected by their peers and become frustrated because they’re not getting the recognition they deserve.

“It can take time for people to realize that they have people-pleasing skills, because it’s very much ingrained in the way that they operate,” says Jillian Yuhas. “Initially, it can feel good to be that go-to person. They don’t realize that they’re being taken advantage of until later down the road. Often, it takes a big event, like being promised a bonus that they never receive, to realize that they need to take action.”

According to a YouGov survey, nearly half of Americans identify as being a people pleaser. Instead, the Yuhases recommend becoming a “boundary badass.”

Setting boundaries effectively

A “boundary badass” is someone who is confident and operates from their values and not their emotions, explains Jillian Yuhas. “They’re not afraid to speak up when their limits have been crossed, and they advocate for themselves, while also ensuring that the relationship stays intact, as well,” she says.

Becoming better at setting boundaries requires you to deeply understand your personal values. Tuning into your emotional triggers is a good way to identify what those might be.

“Our professional values are the opposite of the emotional trigger, because it’s a need that’s not being met,” says Jan Yuhas. “Maybe you feel emotionally triggered when you feel blindsided, such as being given a huge project out of nowhere and just 48 hours to finish it. The opposite of being blindsided is a need for transparency and advanced notice of projects.”

Pay attention to what is happening when you feel you’re being taken advantage of or are frustrated with the dynamics of work relationships. Once you know your triggers, you can set a boundary around the corresponding value. The Yuhases recommend identifying your top five values for professional working relationships. Common examples are communication, transparency, trust, accountability, and integrity.

Protecting your boundaries

Once you have your list, clearly communicate your limits with colleagues and clients from a standpoint of professionalism and value, rather than emotion. If your value is trust, for example, and a coworker isn’t pulling their weight on a team project, the Yuhases recommend having a conversation with them.

You could say, “It doesn’t seem like we’re on the same page when it comes to fulfilling our roles and meeting the deadline for this project. I really value trust. How can we make a shift in our strategy or change the timeline of this project to make sure it’s going to be done on time?”

“This allows people to voice their value in a way that promotes growth within the relationship or the connection,” says Jan Yuhas.

Avoid giving an ultimatum or inserting a demand, adds Jillian Yuhas. “We don’t want to use emotion, because emotions are often one-sided perspectives,” she says. “Establish boundaries from a place of value, which is universally understood. The goal is to honor the relationship in a way that allows everyone to feel at peace as they work collaboratively in the same environment.”

Setting boundaries sometimes means setting them with yourself. “A lot of times, people pleasers have formed the habit of staying silent and not speaking up,” says Jillian Yuhas. “But when you stay silent for so long, it just keeps building and building and building. Eventually, that volcano explodes and becomes an emotionally reactive situation.”

How boundaries help

Boundaries protect your self-respect and allow you to improve your relationships with mutual respect, which allow you to feel secure with yourself, says Jan Yuhas.

“Setting a boundary promotes growth in our life and our relationships, allowing you to be heard and understood,” she says. “The minute you voice your value, you’re going to start to see a shift in all your relationships, and it’s going to promote growth. You’re going to feel more at peace.”