We spend so much time at work, it’s natural that we strike up friendships with colleagues. It’s common, and research shows it’s even good for your career and happiness.
But what happens when your office pal’s performance drags the team down, causes inefficiencies, or more work for you? How do you bring it up . . . and should you? It’s a tricky needle to thread, but experts provide tips for fielding these potentially awkward conversations with your office ride-or-die.
The complex friendship dynamic
When a colleague feels more like a friend, it can make a discussion about their “laziness” more difficult, says Leanna Stockard, a licensed therapist with LifeStance Health, one of the country’s biggest mental healthcare providers.
“Given the amount of time we spend in our workplace, the line between personal and working relationships can be blurrier,” she says. “When a person feels more like a friend, you can feel a stronger sense of loyalty to them as opposed to if they were just a coworker.” So it can be understandable that you don’t want your friend to get in trouble if you sense their performance slipping. You may even feel inclined to pick up their slack.
“I believe that this is a mistake—because if you do decide to pick up their slack, you are essentially enabling their behavior,” explains Stockard. “It communicates to your friend that they do not have to follow through with their responsibilities, because you will end up doing it.”
Deciding whether to raise your concerns is a personal decision. And if there’s no change after a direct conversation, it might be time to escalate, because your responsibility is to the team and organization, not just the friendship, says Jonathan Alpert, a New York City- and Washington, D.C.-based psychotherapist. But do it professionally. “Document examples of poor performance and inform your supervisor without framing it as a personal gripe,” he continues. “Focus on facts and team impact. This prevents resentment from building and puts the issue where it belongs—with management.”
Also, understand that friendship adds a layer of emotional complexity. “We might be afraid of damaging the relationship, being seen as overly critical, or creating tension in an otherwise enjoyable dynamic,” says Alpert. There’s also an implicit expectation in friendships for loyalty and leniency—which clashes with workplace accountability.”
Here’s how to gently (and professionally) raise concerns with a lazy friend:
Keep it private and kind. Because you’re friends, have a conversation one-on-one. “Avoid discussing their performance in front of others ,” suggests Alpert. He suggests framing your language about their work is affecting the team—not around your feelings you might have, like frustration or impatience. Try this: “‘When tasks slip through the cracks, it puts more pressure on the rest of us and creates stress for everyone.’” This keeps the conversation professional and objective, Alpert says.
Understand their work method isn’t exactly like yours. It’s important to recognize that you can only control yourself. Just because someone has a separate work ethic than you, it does not necessarily mean that theirs is wrong,” Stockard explains. She says if their work is indeed directly impacting yours, you can discuss with them how their work ethic is negatively impacting you, and what could be some constructive ways to make your lives easier.
“Separate your personal relationship with your work relationship by making it clear that you do not want their accountability at work to influence your friendship,” Stockard adds. “And that before things impact your personal relationship, you want to discuss your work issues.”
Consider a lighter approach. Because of your friendship, a lighthearted comment could be an easier way to bring up your concerns. “You can make a lighthearted comment about working harder than your friend—or how your back hurts from the weight of their slack,” suggests Stockard.
Delve deeper. Noticing that their performance is slipping a bit? Ask your friend if something else is going on.
“If this behavior is uncommon for your friend, or that it has gotten worse over time, I would recommend asking your friend how they are doing, or if anything is going on in their personal life that might be impacting their ability to do their job,” recommends Stockard. “If you feel available to assist them while they are going through this, make sure you clearly communicate boundaries about what you are or are not willing to do.”
Despite the fact your colleague is cool or fun to grab lunch or gossip with, it can be bad for you if their output is dragging the team down, either intentionally or unintentionally. It can be uncomfortable to share your concerns about their work ethic, but in the long run, it’s better to speak up. (You can joke about it at happy hour later.)
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