How I figure out the answer to strangers’ most challenging problems in one hour

I’m a decision coach. I only offer one thing: a single session in which I help someone make a big decision. In an hour.

I have helped people decide where to live, whether to get divorced, what to name their baby, whether to take a job offer, if they should start a side hustle, when to retire, if they should have a kid (or, as I helped a couple with recently, have a fifth kid!), what color to paint the kitchen . . . and pretty much anything else you can think of. I’ve coached mayors, Olympic athletes, hedge fund managers, students, parents, filmmakers, etc.

Because I coach people when they’re really stuck and have been pondering a decision for a while, I’ve discovered that what they don’t need is more discussion. They need to make a decision so they can move on with their lives. I’ve been doing this for 11 years, and I’ve become extremely efficient at decision-making. In each hour-long session, I can assess the choices a client is facing and point them to the right decision. Here’s how I do it:

I listen. People know what they want, and enough questions will bring it out of them. In fact, part way through the session, they’ve often realized it themselves—just describing the process to someone totally new clarifies their choices. Most people discuss a big decision with family and friends, but all those people have some self-interest, even if it’s a small amount, in what that person decides to do. When you know a completely neutral third party is listening to what you have to say, things become clearer fast.

I connect their decision to their values.I ask every client to write out their values before they come to me. Values like “justice,” sure, but also things like “sleeping late on the weekends.” When we have a solid list of values, we can use it almost like a checklist: Which choice is more in line with the things that are actually important to you?

I connect their decision to their goals.I also ask clients to sketch out what they’d like their lives to look like in one, five, and ten years. Then, we take the options they’re choosing between and see which one is most likely to get them to the future they want. You’d be amazed at how much more obvious the right choice becomes when you can really see what you want your future to look like.

I separate “good on paper” from “what I actually want.”People are constantly trying to persuade themselves to choose the thing they “ought” to choose. The thing their parents want them to choose, or their friends, or their boss. The trouble with things that look good on paper is that you can’t execute them on paper—you have to do them in real life. When I ask the right questions and figure out what the client actually wants to do, 99% of the time I can tell them it’s the right choice. “Good on paper” is meaningless without inner motivation.

I sift the useful information from the useless.When someone has been considering the decision for a long time—considering a career change, maybe, or a cross-country move–they usually have a very long list of pros and cons. Some of these matter (jobs, kids’ schools, community), some of them don’t (a two-degree difference in summer temperatures). But when you’ve been thinking about the same decision for a long time, all those things start to take on equal importance in your mind. I eliminate those unimportant parts so the big pieces become clearer—and so does the decision.

I ask about their family, hobbies, even pets.A big decision, whether it’s taking a new job, having a kid, or starting a business, will change every aspect of your life. I get a 360-degree view of someone’s current life before we even start talking about the decision they’re trying to make. We’re aiming to make the choice that will have a positive effect on all aspects of their life—not, say, taking a new job that means they’ll get home after their kids are in bed every night.

I keep an ear out for red flag words. “Should,” “could,” “If I can just”—these are signs that someone is talking themselves into something. If a client is trying to decide whether to take a new job offer with long hours, they might say something like, “if I can just start going to bed at 10 p.m., then I could get up at 6 a.m.”—and I can tell right away that’s unlikely to happen. We need to make decisions for the people we are, not the people we think we can suddenly become.

I listen for green light words!

“Excited” is the main one, but also “energized.” Excitement is an underrated factor in decision-making. When someone is choosing between two options, they are often more excited about one of them—and this makes them more likely to succeed at it, because they go at it with enthusiasm and verve. When you’re excited and energized about one choice, that’s the right decision for you.