How can I deal with my jerk coworker?

Welcome to Pressing Questions, Fast Company’s work-life advice column. Every week, deputy editor Kathleen Davis, host of The New Way We Work podcast, will answer the biggest and most pressing workplace questions.

Q: How can I deal with my jerk coworker?

A: I’ve given lots of advice on how to deal with bad bosses, how to deal with conflict at work, and how to deal with an annoying coworker. But what about a coworker who isn’t just annoying but is a straight-up jerk?I’ll preface this with the obvious: No one should tolerate abuse or harassment at work. If the “jerk” that you are dealing with crosses that line, go to your manager and/or report them to HR.But here’s what to do for that coworker who crosses the line from annoying to jerk, without crossing over into full-on harassment:

Start with a friendly fact-finding mission

You know the adage “hurt people, hurt people”? Chances are your workplace jerk might be acting that way because of stress you’re not aware of. It also might not be personal. None of this is an excuse for them to treat others poorly, but it’s worthwhile to spend a little energy to try to understand things from their point of view.

Lynn Taylor, author of Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant suggested a few possibilities in a 2015 Fast Company article: “Are they feeling territorial because they’ve lost power or prestige? Might lose authority or projects?” She suggests a fact-finding coffee or lunch.

“While you’d rather chew glass than share a meal with this person, first take the high road on your fact-finding mission,” says Taylor. “Let your colleague realize that you can help boost their career by working collaboratively, and that you see your areas as separate, and why. Ask questions and listen more than you talk; find out their needs; share yours; be humble; and remain lighthearted and upbeat.”

It’s not you, it’s me

If your friendly fact-finding mission doesn’t work, try a kind but direct approach in addressing exactly what’s bothering you. My 5-year-old is learning to use “I messages” to defuse conflict. Her teacher explained it like this: “An ‘I message’ allows the student to express how he/she is feeling and to ask for what he/she needs. For example, if two kids are playing and one child took the other’s toy, an “I message” would sound like this: “I feel sad/angry/frustrated when you grab a toy out of my hand. Can you please ask for a turn next time?”Pre-K may have been many decades ago, but this approach can still be effective. In the workplace it might sound something like this: “I feel like we aren’t seeing eye-to-eye on how to get this project done. When you shoot my ideas down, I feel like you don’t value my perspective. Can you work with me to brainstorm how we can overcome the hurdles you see in my suggestions?”

Be the change you want to see

Sometimes a jerk is just a jerk. If it’s not to the level where you can ask for your manager to intervene but they’re also unwilling to change, your best choice is to limit the amount of time you have to interact with them. Instead you can focus on creating the workplace environment you want to have.

That can take the form of standing up for others when the jerk coworker inflicts their awfulness (for example, if they are constantly interrupting others). It can take the form of leading by example and being the courteous coworker you wish they were: responding promptly, giving praise, sharing credit, and defusing conflicts. In the face of bad behavior, it’s hard to let go of the desire to make someone change. But you are the only person you have control over.Protect your peace as much as you can, and in the wise words of Margaret Atwood: Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.Need some more advice on dealing with the office jerk? Here you go:

• A field guide to all the jerks you work with
• Why bullies and jerks are often rewarded at work
• 7 ways to deal with the office jerk
• How to deal with jerks in the workplace