Here’s when feedback does more harm than good

It’s often said that “feedback is a gift.” While actionable and constructive feedback is key to growing as a leader or employee, some feedback feels like a gift you want to shove in the back of the closet, never to be seen again. How can you give better feedback? For leaders who want to implement a more frequent or rigorous feedback system, what are best practices?

When is feedback more harmful than good?

“Feedback can be detrimental if it’s delivered by someone who hasn’t established a foundation of trust and mutual respect,” Madhu Maron, a career coach and colleague of mine who works with executives across industries, says. “It’s also ineffective if given at the wrong time or without sufficient context or detail.”

Product Leader Coach and speaker Tami Reiss, with whom I’ve worked, shared an example of a client who received feedback without specific examples or tools for improvement. The result? They were left “feeling bad at their job, not sure how to perform better, and alone.” Reiss emphasizes that even in a culture of frequent feedback, it can become toxic if too many things are framed as opportunities for improvement or if the feedback is not “actionable, specific & kind.”

Reiss adds that while continuous improvement is essential, employees may feel demotivated if they believe they’ll receive “feedback notes” no matter how well they perform. If people start to feel they are never good enough, it’s demoralizing.

Some companies use 360-degree feedback, where feedback is collected from an employee’s peers, managers, and direct reports—not just their bosses. Others use live 360-feedback systems. Maron suggests, “If a company wants to promote regular feedback beyond annual reviews, I recommend creating a set of working agreements that guide how feedback can be shared informally throughout the year.” She advises ensuring structure through a consistent approach to framing feedback and defining what constitutes “effective feedback.”

Maron prefers structured interview-based 360s, where a coach interviews key stakeholders using questions co-created with the leader. Maron says it provides richer, more actionable feedback through greater nuance and context plus the interviewees feel more involved which builds trust with the leader.

Don’t let feedback become a weapon

Written feedback can end up as part of an employee’s “permanent record,” potentially affecting raises or promotions.

Reiss cautions that feedback can become weaponized if personal biases come into play (if an employee just doesn’t like another person), resulting in employees prioritizing being liked over doing meaningful work. This can stifle healthy conflict and prevent necessary conversations.

Reiss recommends a strategy to prevent the misuse of feedback: Encourage your team to only put constructive feedback in writing if it has been communicated to the individual twice before and once to you (similar to a three-strikes rule). She also stresses the importance of fostering empathy among team members, as it makes them more thoughtful in their feedback.

How to give helpful feedback

Reiss recommends crafting feedback using her “ASK” formula: Actionable, Specific, and Kind. To apply this method:

1. Ask the person for their reasoning.
2. Share your perspective on what went wrong and offer suggestions for improvement.
3. Know that you’re there to support them as they work through changes.

Maron emphasizes that context matters—the feedback giver should consider both the situation and the employee’s overall history. Effective feedback involves preparation, including knowledge of the employee’s recent accomplishments, setbacks, and communication preferences. Maron adds, “Framing feedback within context makes it easier for the recipient to engage with curiosity.”

Timing is also key. Feedback should be given close to the event, but consider the individual’s emotional state. For example, if a presentation didn’t go well, ask when they’d like to debrief rather than diving right in. Additionally, offering feedback in the recipient’s preferred format—whether virtually, in person, or in writing—can make it more likely to be well-received.

With a focus on structure, kindness, and empathy, feedback can indeed become the “gift” it’s meant to be—like that favorite sweater that remains in a prime spot in the closet– and can nurture growth for both individuals and teams.