The average person changes jobs every two years and nine months, according to a survey by the career advice website Career Sidekick. If you work for 40 years, that translates to about 15 jobs—and 15 resignations. While the conversation can feel difficult, it’s important to be thoughtful about how you say goodbye, says Melody Wilding, author of Managing Up: How to Get What you Need from the People in Charge and human behavior professor at Hunter College in New York City.
“A lot of people boomerang back to a company, team, or manager in a fairly short time,” says Wilding, who is also a contributor to Fast Company. “Having strong relationships with leaders and colleagues could also be a good for getting a reference, LinkedIn recommendation, or referrals to new roles.”
Delivering a resignation, however, can involve heightened emotions. Resentment, frustration, burnout, and fatigue may have caused you to seek a new role or company, yet you likely have a desire for civil, diplomatic, and tactful conversation, says Wilding.
“Sometimes those two things can be at odds,” she says. “You’re not only dealing with your own emotions, but you’re also trying to project other people’s reactions. Is my boss going to be upset or ask that I leave right away? The desire to get [the conversation] right and secure your future can put pressure on you.”
Do the pre-work
Wilding advises doing some pre-work before you deliver the news that you’re quitting. Be ready that the reaction may not be positive, especially if you’re involved in sensitive work, she says. “They may say, ‘Thanks for your two-week notice, but actually you can be done today,’” she says.
Before you exit a team and possibly lose access to your work, Wilding recommends taking stock of what you’ve achieved in your role. “This isn’t about stealing anything that’s company IP or proprietary,” she says. “It’s updating your résumé, putting together a case study that you may want to reference in the future, updating your LinkedIn profile, and writing some posts based on what you did while you still have access to all of it.”
Next, put together a transition plan. While it sounds intimidating, it simply needs to be a rundown of your projects and their stages. You could also put together a guide for standard operating procedures, about how you do certain things. Wilding suggests including contact information or different stakeholders so the person who assumes the job can easily take over.
“Putting together a transition plan is valuable because it shows that you’re thoughtful and solution-oriented,” says Wilding.
Prepare for the conversation
After you’ve done the pre-work, prepare for the conversation, which should be done in person and not through a written platform, says Wilding. “Virtual can be fine over Zoom, but you want it to be in real time so the person can hear your tone of voice, and your sincerity can come through,” she says. “Too much can be lost over email or messenger.”
A good rule for managing up is to not let the people above you be negatively surprised, and it applies to leaving, too. Wilding says if you go into your one-on-one and the news completely sideswipes your manager because they didn’t see this coming, they’re probably going to have a much stronger negative reaction. Instead, set the stage by saying, “Today in our one-on-one, I’d like to put aside five or 10 minutes to give you an important update that I have.”
“At least they know something’s coming,” says Wilding. “You don’t have to disclose ‘I’m telling you that I’m leaving,’ but you can say, ‘I wanted to discuss my trajectory here’ or ‘I want to talk about my next steps in the organization.’ It gives them a heads up that can be crucial.”
Skip to the chase
Most people feel some nerves when they share news that they’re leaving. While it can be tempting to make small talk, Wilding recommends fighting that tendency and jumping to the chase.
“Frame it from your perspective,” she says. “You can say, ‘I’ve made the hard choice that it’s time for me to move on. [This date] will be my last day in this role.’ You can be honest and say, ‘This wasn’t an easy decision for me’ or ‘I thought about this a lot. I know it will be hard for the team.’ You don’t have to apologize. Keep it focused on your situation and what is right for you and your career.”
This isn’t time to have a feedback conversation about the difficulties in the role, adds Wilding. “Break the news and focus on moving forward,” she says.
Next, talk about how you will transition out of the role and leave the team in a good place. Having your transition plan ready provides the perfect tool for refocusing the conversation if it starts to get emotional.
“If they say, ‘How could you do this? This is such terrible timing,’ you can say, ‘I understand, and that is not my intention. What I think would be helpful is if we focus on how we implement this plan,’” says Wilding. “It gives you something tangible to keep circling back to.”
It’s important that you feel emotionally grounded going into this conversation, adds Wilding. “This is not the type of conversation you want to squeeze between two other meetings, when you may be rushing from one thing to the next,” she says.
Also, don’t feel like you need to keep talking. “When we get uncomfortable, we tend to over explain,” says Wilding. “If you’ve had a good experience, you can say, ‘I’ve enjoyed my time here.’ If it wasn’t the greatest experience, you can say, ‘I’ve learned a lot from my experience here,’ which is true even if you work somewhere where it’s been difficult. Then say, ‘On this date, I’ll be moving to this company or this new team and then be quiet. When we inject strategic silence into a conversation, it projects more confidence than just rambling.”
Think about external communications
It’s also important that you shape the narrative that’s being told about why you’re leaving and make sure it’s an accurate story instead of letting people fill in the gaps. Ask to be part of the communication roll out, especially if you have clients, vendors, or cross-functional partners that need to be notified, says Wilding.
“Ideally, hand over a transition message,” says Wilding. “Or, at the very least, be proactive about saying to your manager and HR that you want to be part of that communication.”
Wilding also recommends writing a post about what you learned during your time there or gratitude for your team. You can use that as a jumping off point to share what you’re doing next.
Throughout the process, keep your interactions healthy and strong, says Wilding. “In most industries, it’s a very small world,” she says. “Don’t bad mouth anyone. Even if you don’t end up working directly with the same people, you may have shared colleagues who come up in conversation. Put things in the past and move on. You want to be able to have a network of weak ties for the future so you can reach out for a referral, expand your network, and provide references or recommendations for others.”
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