Dunkin’s horny Halloween donut wants to have sex with literally everyone

Look, I just came here for the coffee. Really.

I don’t know what’s going on at Dunkin’. It’s Halloween, a time when even the most innocuous professions can get a little bit sexy. But I never counted “donut making” among them. It seems the company has gone on a sugary thirst rampage across social media, with a new donut that appears to be just minutes from opening the world’s most caloric OnlyFans account.

As a special seasonal offering, Dunkin’s Spider Specialty Donut is back. And for anyone who doesn’t know what that is—it’s a chocolate Munchkin donut hole that’s been shoved into a full donut’s hole. A few drizzles (ugh I need to sterilize my eyes) of chocolate turn the donut hole into a spider. A purple glaze (fml) nods to Grimace-mania without IP infringement.

The Spider Specialty Donut, frankly, an unnerving premise of a donut on its own. But across social media, it’s come to life like a freaky Frankenstein of foodstuffs, another entry in the new marketing category of “DGAF branding” like Nutter Butter or Pop Tarts.

https://twitter.com/Rachael_Conrad/status/1849486147614871899

In a cry for attention, the Spider Specialty Donut is pulling out all the stops.

“ive got the long legs and all I need is the dadddddy”

“💦 Tryna find me a water spout fr 💦”

“Ya girl said im not so itsy bitsy”

Once you come up for air, you may find yourself, well, confused. “What is the gender and sexual identity of this donut? Of…any donut,” you may be asking yourself. Generally, the answer would be, “mind your own damn business, a fast food breakfast item can love whomever it wants to love.” But given the strange conflation of this monstrosity’s orifices and implements, cross referenced by its—pardon me for saying—disorganized and scattershot attempts at boinking the general populace…I simply don’t follow. Does this donut really want to f me? Can this donut really f me?

(Though upon further thought, I guess a bread product would technically be pansexual.)