As a female leader, I’ve gotten plenty of unhelpful performance reviews. This is what I’ve learned

“You’re doing a great job. The only area that you could improve upon is that some people find you intimidating.”

The week after receiving this feedback in a 2019 performance review, I wrote an article titled Personality-Based Performance Reviews Are Fine To Give Women — As Long As Men Get Them Too. My manager joked in the following year’s review that he hesitated to give me feedback as it had ended up in Forbes the year prior.

In that article, I cited a 2014 study from my friend Kieran Snyder, then-CEO of Textio, that revealed that negative personality feedback showed up 76% of the time in reviews of women, while only in 2% of men’s reviews.

Textio recently released an updated study, and the results have not changed. Fifty-six percent of women have been described as unlikeable (compared to 16% of men) and 78% of women have been negatively described as emotional (versus 11% of men).

I have seen a male executive pound his fist on the table because of poor sales results. I have seen a male executive tell someone they’re “f*&%ing stupid” for the idea they shared. But I doubt either has been given feedback about their likeability or emotionality.

I’ve worked in the tech industry since 2003, and have been in leadership roles since 2011. Despite always having received “straight A” performance reviews (on various scales), I have been told that I’m:

• Too emotional 
• Too flippant 
• Too intimidating 
• Too accommodating 
• Too fast to make decisions 
• Too slow to make decisions 

I’ve been told (by a woman manager) that I should try to be “more like one of the guys.” That I should talk about my kids less.

As I’ve grown from an individual contributor to a manager to an executive, across multiple functions, I’ve had people speculate that my career growth has been due to:

• Nepotism 
• Tokenism
• Favoritism 
• Tenurism 

I’ve had an admin pull me aside and tell me she was concerned about my ability to be taken seriously because my voice sounds too young.

I’ve had a male leader tweet how proud he was of facilitating the careers of myself and several other women leaders. (I wrote this satirical piece in response, and sent it to him).

I’ve started my own company and spent years raising venture funding for it. Through that, I personally validated the 2017 research that indicated women founders get asked preventative questions (e.g. “How will you keep from failing?”), as compared to the promotional questions (e.g. “How successful can this be?”) that male founders get asked.

I’ve observed women CEOs taken down in hit pieces about personality flaws, while men CEOs need to commit crimes or harass people to make the news.

Listen, I’ve been responsible for giving hundreds of performance reviews, too. I know it can be hard to think of actionable feedback—especially when someone is awesome at their job. But that’s exactly the time it’s crucial to examine biases and ensure that the type of feedback you’re giving is consistent across the genders on your team.

If the women are praised for being helpful while the men are praised for their confidence; if the women are encouraged to be less abrasive while the men are being told they’re ambitious—you probably have some unpacking to do.

And for all the women out there who are reeling from the personality-based feedback that once again plagued your stellar performance review . . . I feel you. I encourage you to ask questions that could help turn that feedback into something actionable:

• What measurable goals do I need to achieve to demonstrate that I’m ready for the next thing?
• What resources do you recommend I tap into to fill in any gaps in my skills? 
• If you see a situation where I said or did something where I’m exhibiting [personality trait], can you please tell me right after so that I can work on it? 

Once you’ve asked for more clarification and begun working on the areas of feedback that were actionable, it’s time to move on and keep being you. Tying yourself into personality pretzels won’t change the underlying biases or systems that have resulted in these performance management inequities, so all you can do is be authentic to yourself and confident in who you are.

The next time someone tells you you’re “too” anything, remember that their discomfort is more a reflection of their limitations than yours. Keep showing up, keep being you, and keep making space for others to do the same.

Because the truth is, the more women who rise to leadership, the more we change what leadership looks like—and the less room there is for outdated feedback based on stereotypes and fears.