An airline captain shares how leaders can truly gain respect and influence

In the flight deck, on our worst days, when without notice, the normal becomes an emergency, the most valuable resource is our team. We need them, their knowledge and skills, and all the input they can provide, willingly. This is the key to success and safe operations. Just how can we do this? It takes more than procedures, manuals, and policies. Humans are not machines. It takes a leader who’s gained respect and influence.

After four decades and 22,000 hours of flying experience, training, examining, and building teams, I’ve learned these are some of the keys that can help propel us to become the most respected and influential leaders of all.

The most important thing? We have to give our crew—our staff—reason to respect and follow us. We can’t force it. They have to want to. And when times are tough, we really need them.

The leader’s road to respect and influence

Humility + Power + Influence = Exceptional leader

Humility = Power, as long as it’s genuine.

Power = Influence, as long as the power is used appropriately.

Influence = Exceptional leaders.

Achieving this respect and influence requires emotional intelligence. There are countless technical definitions for EQ, like this:

“The ability to identify, use, understand and manage emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict.” But:

Key 1: Exhibit respect and ability to relate.

Ask a staff member what emotional intelligence is, and the response will be something like:

“A person who gets it,” or “They get us,” or “They get what we want.”

Ask them to go further: “They can relate to me,” or “They show respect for me.”

Respect is now mutual. Staff will work for this leader (above and beyond).

Key 2: Display humility.

And humility is power. Why? Because when we show humility, people will open up to us. They will talk to us. They know they are considered important and valued, as is their opinion. That’s power.

Take it one step further. That person can have something even better than power. That’s influence. The difference? The truth is we only have power or authority by role or title.

We soon find out how good a job we’ve done when we no longer have power— when we leave or retire. If we haven’t treated others well, or respected them, they won’t regard us when we pass them in the street. We shouldn’t be surprised. We will have earned that disrespect.

Key 3: Treat others well to earn influence.

If we have conducted ourselves well, we’ll have something much more valuable— influence—and influence is permanent. When we have influence, our team will follow us, speak up, and tell us what’s really going on. And we won’t even need a title.

Emotional intelligence and commercial imperatives are not mutually exclusive. EQ pays.

Key 4: Exhibit EQ to be a respected and influential leader.

Even if we don’t have EQ naturally (it can be learned), using the following techniques will still get results. Try these first:

Be in the trenches. There is no substitute. “Thank you for always having our back,” were the words that meant the most to me, written by the most junior of our crew. Make whatever is happening affect you. Of course, we have to direct and make executive decisions but we also need to lead from within as much as possible. Be on the front line. Far from lessening your status, your standing will rise immeasurably—as will lifelong respect for you.

Ask, don’t tell. No, we don’t know what’s good for them or what they want. It’s all too tempting to say, “I know how you’re feeling. This is what you need to do.” Just, no. Here’s a real clue: Even if you know the answer, ask your staff, and watch the response. Watch the respect for you escalate.

Share the spoils daily. Money and prizes do not build engagement. People may work for bonuses, but it doesn’t mean they’re working for us, or are engaged. Money is an extrinsic motivator. Remove the money and we remove the value. If money is required for people to work hard, we have an engagement issue. Do this. If you’re away for some days, share your executive car park around (or a similar benefit of yours). Expect nothing in return. Watch the response.

Use the “paradox” (my term). Overtly acknowledge someone else’s right to their view, even if it’s totally unacceptable to you. Remember, you want a result.

Doing so is the first step to them potentially agreeing with you or at least being able to work with you or feel respected enough to try. This can be incredibly hard, but it works, and fast. The really big negotiators flying around the world do this because they want—no, need—a result.

Remember, with intractability, sometimes there is no answer. You keep talking. That is the answer.