Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you carefully laid out all the context for your manager, only to have them cut you off? Or maybe you’ve found you’re eager to dive into the tactical details of a project while they keep steering the conversation back to vision.
These moments can leave you frustrated and confused. You’re doing what seems logical, yet somehow it’s not landing. The good news is that these disconnects usually aren’t about your competency or the quality of your ideas— they’re about different styles.
Studies have found that two primary dimensions shape how people communicate and approach their interactions at work. The first is dominance, which refers to the degree a person attempts to control situations or the thoughts and actions of others, and the second is sociability, which measures how readily someone expresses emotions and prioritizes relationships and emotional connection with others. The intersection of these two dimensions leads to four different styles, which I call the 4Cs.
The Commander
Commanders can be so quick to take action that they may steamroll you or others. They care more about what needs to be done than how everyone feels about it. This doesn’t necessarily mean they’re uncaring (although they sometimes neglect their team’s need for emotional support), but they show their commitment to others by setting clear, ambitious targets rather than through praise or acknowledgment.
Don’t take it personally if a Commander:
- Nitpicks your work. When Commanders challenge your ideas, it’s more about stress-testing them to avoid mistakes and make them stronger rather than dissatisfaction with you or your performance. Acknowledge their input without getting defensive and refute with solid data: “I see what you mean about the message lacking urgency. We approached it that way because our feedback survey showed . . . ”
- Skips pleasantries and small talk. Commanders see time as a valuable resource not to be wasted, so respect their desire for efficiency with phrases like, “I know you’re busy, so let’s get right to it” or, “I’ll dive straight in—here are the key points I’d like to cover.” And don’t be offended when they send you two-word email replies without asking how your weekend was.
- Overlooks your opinion. Commanders appreciate assertiveness, so have a point of view and present it clearly. Start your pitch with something like, “I believe . . . ,” “My recommendation is . . . ,” “From my perspective, it seems that . . . ,” or “Here are my initial thoughts.”
The Cheerleader
Cheerleaders are expressive and tend to be energetic, optimistic, and enthusiastic. Like Commanders, Cheerleaders value moving fast and aiming high, but they love building relationships and playing connector. Their focus on team spirit makes for an environment that’s positive and fun, but some might find their high-energy, group-oriented style overwhelming and you might not always get the nitty-gritty feedback or specific direction you want.
Don’t take it personally if a Cheerleader:
- Cancels meetings at the last minute. Take the lead to reschedule, or you’ll be forgotten as they chase the next shiny object. Try this: “I understand your schedule is tight, but we’re running out of time to plan for X. So I’ll grab 20 minutes on your calendar to connect about that tomorrow unless you let me know otherwise.”
- Changes priorities frequently. Their flightiness can be frustrating, but when the Cheerleader thinks of yet another new idea or veers off topic, gently steer them back: “That’s fascinating. I’ll make a note so we don’t lose sight of this and can revisit it at a better time.” Be clear about what’s achievable, tying it back to team capacity and timelines: “To meet our deadlines and keep the quality of work you’re used to, we should stay focused on X.”
- Gives you vague feedback and direction. Cheerleaders prefer to inspire and motivate rather than provide step-by-step instructions. When given vague feedback, drill deeper: “Can you share what success looks like for this project?” Provide options since Cheerleaders sometimes struggle to come up with specifics on their own: “Here are a few ideas I’ve come up with. Which one do you feel fits best?”
The Caretaker
Caretakers are patient peacekeepers who listen carefully and make sure everyone feels seen and heard. While they’re high on sociability like the Cheerleader, Caretakers are more subdued and nurturing. They want you to feel safe voicing your thoughts and struggles. But at the same time, their indecisiveness can be a drag, particularly in fast-paced or high-stakes environments where quick action and risk-taking are crucial.
Don’t take it personally if a Caretaker:
- Constantly checks in. Caretakers sometimes “helicopter” manage or, worse, make you feel like you have to reassure them instead of the other way around. Gently make it clear you can handle tasks on your own without them hovering: “I’ve got this under control, but I’ll definitely let you know if I need any help.”
- Hoards work and stretch projects. Your boss may believe taking on the burden of extra work safeguards you from stress—or they’re convinced that they’re best suited to handle tasks. To overcome their control issues, propose a gradual transition (“Let’s start with me handling part of [project], and we can go from there”) or suggest working together initially (“How about we tag-team on [project] at first? That way, you can see my approach and make sure it’s on track”).
- Drops news on you at the eleventh hour. In a misdirected effort to keep things calm and stable, your boss may hold back important information, so regularly ask for insight on potential shifts: “Are there any developments we should be aware of? It would help us plan and adjust accordingly” or “Knowing about changes ahead of time helps me prepare, so any heads-up would be helpful.”
The Controller
Controllers excel through their meticulous attention to detail, reliance on data, and a preference for working behind the scenes to ensure everything runs like clockwork. They tend to be serious and reserved leaders who worry less about social connections and more about optimizing existing standards, rules, and processes.
This can be a dream for those who love clear instructions, but Controllers can also come off as rigid and restrictive, especially when quick pivots or innovative leaps are needed to stay ahead.
Don’t take it personally if a Controller:
- Rejects your ideas without consideration. Controllers are wary of new ideas because they see them as risks that could lead to mistakes. So frame ideas as enhancements to existing processes, not as net new changes: “[Idea] builds on our current system . . .” or “We can take what we’re already doing and make it even better by . . .”
- Requires multiple approvals or reviews. It’s not that they don’t trust you; rather, they believe that having multiple sets of eyes means standards will be met. Before starting work ask, “What are the key criteria you’re looking for in this project? I want to make sure I meet your expectations from the outset.” Suggest a quick pre-mortem session to catch any issues early: “Can we check in before I finalize this? I want to address any concerns you might have.”
- Expects you to be an expert in everything. If your boss overloads you with dense information or complex documentation, turn it back around and ask for guidance on what’s most critical: “I appreciate all the details. What would you say are the key points I should prioritize to make sure we’re compliant?”
You might not always like or agree with your boss’s approach—that’s normal—but if there comes a point where their actions become disruptive to you or others, it’s not enough to say, “Oh, that’s just how they are!” Ultimately, personal style doesn’t give anyone a pass to be a jerk. The key is to stay flexible and observant, adjusting your strategies as you learn more about your boss’s preferences and behaviors. Because even if your relationships are strong, they can always be better.
Adapted from the book Managing Up: How to Get What You Need from the People in Charge by Melody Wilding. Copyright © 2025 by Melody Wilding. Published in the United States and Canada by Crown Currency, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.
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