3 unconscious behaviors that make people mistrust you

Imagine your boss says, “Can you step into my office? I need to talk with you.” Immediately, your senses go into overdrive, trying to mine her tone of voice and unconscious behaviors for clues to her intention. Is she angry? Excited? Worried?

What if she’s sending mixed messages? Her voice is warm, but you notice a slight frown and crossed arms. What can you count on?

In a world hyper-focused on transparency and authenticity, trust is the currency that drives relationships, partnerships, and successful collaborations. Yet, building trust goes beyond our words. Nonverbal cues—those unconscious behaviors that betray our thoughts and emotions—deeply influence our connection to others.

When we don’t trust someone but can’t quite put a finger on why, it’s because our brains have made an instant calculation based on hundreds of tiny inputs. Without realizing it, we’re constantly evaluating other’s vocal qualities, body language, spatial relationship to us, eye contact, posture, breathing rate, and even body temperature. All this data from unconscious behaviors primes us to answer one simple question: Can I trust you?

To get the nod and earn a someone’s confidence, you’ll need to know the top three unconscious behaviors that kill trust and how to fix them.

Aim for congruency

Nothing kills trust faster than incongruity. There are always two conversations going on when we convey information personally. The first happens at the level of the words we use. The second sneaks out through unconscious behaviors in our voice and body language. When the two are misaligned, the listener will prioritize the physical cues every time. This incongruity triggers the brain’s cheater detection mechanism, subconsciously prompting others to question our sincerity or integrity.

Incongruity can take a couple of forms. At its most benign, the speaker simply doesn’t support their message with the appropriate inflection and emotion, leaving the listener confused and unmotivated. We’ve all heard monotone speakers try and fail to inspire action.

Another more objectionable form of dissonance—doomed from the start— happens when the communicator deliberately hides behind a façade to put a positive spin on a negative message. Pretense always undermines trust.

To combat these forms of incongruity, start by grounding yourself with a clear intention to connect with your listener and earn trust. Ask yourself, “How do I want my audience to feel?” to guide more congruent expressions. If you’re delivering bad news, don’t hide it. Instead, prepare the audience by purposefully syncing and slowing your delivery and gestures. Use pauses to allow your listener to react and absorb the information.

Build emotional awareness

Emotional leaking is incongruity’s more troublesome cousin. Trust instantly splinters when unintended emotions disrupt your message. It’s like trying to listen to a radio station that’s not quite tuned in; the message is there, but it’s overcome by static.

Our bodies experience and express emotions long before we’re cognitively aware. If high-stakes communication triggers anxiety, hurt, frustration, anger, or any strong emotion in you, there’s a good chance you’ll unconsciously leak that feeling. Unfortunately, there’s a double downside to emotional leaks. Unawareness, or downright denial of an emotion, can signal you aren’t in complete control of your feelings—or the situation. People will not only feel unsafe communicating with you, but they may begin to doubt your competency.

Building emotional awareness is crucial for managing these leaks. First, before delivering any important information, take an inventory of your feelings on the topic. Decide which ones you’d like to reinforce and openly communicate to bolster your message and connect with the audience. Then, identify potential triggers for unwelcome emotions. For instance, how will you handle hostile questions or apathy? Understanding our triggers helps us more quickly recognize and deal with them on the fly.

You can also practice a form of mindfulness called affect labeling. By naming an emotion—“I’m feeling angry” or “I’m feeling anxious”—then noticing how it manifests physically, you’ll give yourself time to process it and choose your response. Or try keeping an emotions journal to track your feelings and their physical characteristics. Jot down what you’re feeling and where in your body several times a day. Often, when you’re unaware of an emotion, the physical sensation can tip you off: “My jaw is clenched. Maybe I’m angry.” Or “My chest is heavy. I must be anxious”.

Practice open body language

Research has identified a specific set of nonverbal behaviors—leaning away, crossing arms, touching the face, and fidgeting with hands—that, when combined, can significantly erode trust. Even in the absence of any deceptive intent, they spark suspicion. When a robot exhibited this cluster of behaviors, people tended to mistrust the robot.

Practicing open body language is key to overcoming this quartet of distrust. Videotape your presentations or meetings to make objective observations. Are you maintaining a relaxed posture and keeping your hands visible and still during conversations? Is your posture open and engaged when you’re expressing commitment?

Make conscious communication a habit

Communication is a holistic endeavor—our words, tone, and gestures must all align to convey our message and integrity. Being conscious and deliberate with your cues bolsters self-confidence and a sense of control that makes you easier to trust and more magnetic.